a begining of an end..

Been looking forward to meet with him lately, finally got to see him today…but it wasn’t  a happy meet up…things gone out of hi-wire…incident that i hate to hear and seen the most occur…i piss him off again…yup again…

every since my top secret been discover, i been living under pressure, self-pressure…that me, like to give myself pressure, a lot of them, till i unable to breath..if there is one line to describe myself, i will said "i hate that i like myself so"…i hate disappointed people, especially those that i love, i care for, i hate myself of being such a self centered, i hate my "person in charge" attitude, they are my weakness, so as my specialty of being the very me..so now understand why i describe myself in that way?

the exam is around the corner, so basically, my pressure will be double up, therefore i need to find out ways to de-stress myself, previously, i will go for a movie, a sad movie or flip through a sad novel make myself cry as much as i can then head for a nice nap…..and here goes "a brand new day"…i hate to cry, it makes me weak, but i can’t denied it is the best way to de-stress ever, so i will try to avoid crying unless i really can’t take it anymore…but things seem to be not working at all for the very first time, i see and i read so as i cry, but "a brand new day" seem to be still very far away…i was thinking perhaps i need something different this time, so i look for him, hoping he will able to lent a shoulder to me…

one more week to go, i shall hit 20…yet this is the time i face most of the problem, first, my secret been discovered, lead me feel terrible sorry toward my family, especially my mom, she some how lose her hope towards me, i don’t want that happen, i make up my mind to do something that make her proud of, just to earn back her confident towards me…my result will be the best solution…secondly, i had become very emotion lately, thanks to the pressure overload, i seek for him, hoping he can help me, be my side, perhaps i had pushing too hard, things become worst, more complicate…he is sick with my stubbornness, finally utter word that i will never ever wanted to listen…

perhaps i been pushing too hard…it is time to loosen up a little, things might turn up to be better…just hope i wasn’t too late yet….

a message for him(if he ever read my blog)
" i said it means i mean it, i want it means i will working for it "
i will still try to achieve it(you know what is it), not because of you but myself…what  will happened between us in the future…time shall have it answer…

yea is end of the year now, and is a month of celebration, which is where the Hari Raya Haji, Christmas follow up wit new year pop up…

i skip through Hari Raya Haji,where all the makan besar and open houses occur, i force myself stay in
Setapak, just wanna avoid those yummy rendang stuff in my mounth, i need a
diet!!(hmm…sigh i’m out of topic =p)well that just an lame excuse the truth i
can’t skip class the next day so i did not make the trip to go back..

here come Santa clause heading to town…Christmas coming up next, apparently i be having a quite unique and dale Christmas eve and Christmas cause basically i be working during the season greeting…so how was it?i told you is quite unique..:)

anyway even thought i might not been heading for any party or count down that what i did previously for Christmas, frankly speaking i actually kinder of like this very year Christmas eve, cause it been year i ever stay at home during the eve, as Christmas eve aka my dad birthday…

so today(well actually can be conclude as yesterday as is already 1 something now =p) after work, my mom got some take away from Domino’s, one whole family sitting on the living room watching the Miss Teen USA…unique and love it..

guess have to stop from here, am real tired now but hard to sleep thanks to the silly amount of pizza that i have stuff into my stomach just now…(o gosh, i need to work tomorrow!!) before i end up, i do like to drop in a memorable message that i got reply from one of my lecture(miss k** =p)..like the message a lot..
    "i love Christmas, not only nice choc,candy,teddy bear or candle light dinner,just because it’s season of love, to love and be loved in return."

Merry Christmas everyone

here comes a question, ok, what will you do if you found your true soul mate?wait, of cause there is factor behind the story, you happened to be piss him off quit frequently and the most he got a girlfriend!so now..tell me what you should do?
is it keep him at your side, looking over care over him, be his best man the truth your are actually looking for an opportunity, waiting for him? or push him away, drop him out of your life, blame him on messing up your life, like become hate?
can you make the choice?tell me cause i cant…
is almost one week he is aways, one week we never talk forget about meeting up, he’s back to where his belong, properly have great time there…(yea i know i sound jealous)i wasn’t that miss him for the very first time…i was surprise, alright perhaps this time i able to take it, of making my promise for not calling him when he was there…but now, you have no idea how i wish to hear his voice…
last Thursday, when for club for the very first time with only girls…have real fun even flirt around..(i know i sound bit*h, I’m regret now!just hope that guy has forget me, although he looks kinder cute but i’m sorry i am single but not available..)that night itself i might think i finally able to let go…the truth is i felt awful sorry now that i had when for  club, forget about how i act in the club!!

that song "i hate that i love you so" has become my favorite lately, the truth that i like to hang out with him but i hate myself when i piss him off…so tell me what should  i react in this hot soup?!I’m truly in dilemma..

but there is one think for sure…i miss my Mr perfectionist…properly is a mistake to chose a perfectionist as your soul mate…is killing but if i menage to over come if i will get the best i ever have…but befoer i moving up, i shall over come my dilemma first..choose what i really want….

faster come back will you, i want my piggy hug…

I’m always very looking forward where I get the ampere chance to meet him, once in the blue…yes the him here no others but my “special friend”, almost forgot should be “ex-special friend” more appropriate. There is the reason behind every story so the reason I’m that looking forward because first of all I do miss him a lot, secondly being with him, spending time with him was and still is the most enjoyable and relaxing moment for me especially with my current living style where with all the assignments, incidents that pressure up my life in total, I desperate needed meeting him badly, perhaps I’m just too excided with it hence where in the actual day everything turn up to be in another way…totally screw up….

Is that being too nice is a sin? You tell me…i really don’t know…

The moment where I lost him, the very first week I kept quite, because I think that the best way for both of us, but I did talk with him even that very night that I lost him due to stuff that can’t be avoid such as the up coming chess tournament. Well that me, where general stuff and private stuff is always has a clear line in between, it never cross with each other. Beside that, I hardly have any contact with him.

Second week, the feeling “what were you thinking?” started attacking me, finally I rised my white flag and volunteer to had a meet up with him, not general stuff but for private purposes. Everything seem to be ok which indirectly causes me to gain hope back of the possibly to undo the previous incident, but suddenly things started to change without I get the chance to notice it, e€nd up we walk with separate way.. I can’t stand his total silent but I dare not do anything cause the situation was very danger, any move that I pick needed to be reconsider again and again, every move was near to death. Finally I gave him a text, a question that been hunting in my head and the answer that I get…nothing….fair enough I said to myself for that moment, but now think back again(I actually managed to ask that question again and that time I got the answer) thanks to the “what were you thinking?” feeling I wouldn’t have ask the question, I, in a way got the answer just I’m too ignorant to accept it, if only I wouldn’t be more determent, I wouldn’t wanted to hear that from his mouth, like the song sang by no doubt “ don’t speak, I know what you thinking, don’t tell me cause it hurt.”

When a human like me with the attitude that I have, tent to be not that easily give up especially when she found things that she really want. So together with the stubborn attitude I have and again with the “what were you thinking?” feeling here comes another attempt. Before that I had been very honest with him, tell him how I feel regarding our situation and he too agree with it so he agree to have a meal together. It seems to be god was with “that feeling” in turn, that feeling declare as the winner of the night. I earn the sweetest memory that I ever have (the one that I mention in previous post). For that particular day we seem to be back to the pervious status.

Perhaps I should put it as karma, sweet stuff doesn’t seem to last long, just like the fresh flower, it is sweet to smell, nice to touch, beautiful to be seen but it doesn’t last long. When the third meet up we plan out to have, which is today, was totally in different. The feeling finally earn it total lost.

He said he was looking forward like I do but he just can’t stand me, the moment I seated inside his car,he get piss up. I ask him what is the factor, he said nothing much but one sentence which he told me before “ I feel bad treating you in this way, the way you treat me make me feel guilty.” He started to be more heat up when I intend to know more, I dare not ask further. He sent me off with the words “I’m sorry and take care.” What is that suppose to mean? Perhaps he wants me feel better…i don’t know…perhaps treating one too good might is a sin….

Franking speaking, for that moment I do think of letting him go…totally…I can’t stand to see him suffer in that way, I willing to be the one that suffer…but some how he seem to be in my shoes as well…in a way…as because his words that make me to have a second taught to take that action…the line that I mention before “he too looking forward to see me.” I know he is in dilemma too like me, so I decided to wait, remain silent once again, wait for him…that’s my intention, but the future is out of my prediction, who knows the more I seen him moving forward the easier I can be pursuit…to let him go…only time will tell…

But still regarding his dilemma remain a mysterious to me….i dare not to think much, I dare not predict about it…just hoping for miracle happened..

My life is in
total mess back to past few day… just like a cup of fruit punch….everything
smash into one tiny cup of beverage…that a thing, fruit punch is
not a comment beverage where it can be easily accepted by anyone..unlike coke or
whatever drinks you have in your head now… is either you like it or hate
it…

so let start with sweet parts perhaps, shall we?

hmm..somewhere within past 2 week, i think, can’t recall. finally i got my
result, yea as in the cgpa not grade..kind of satisfied, well at least i reach
my minimum requirement, all thanks to the new grading system..if is follow the
old system i might still struggle to move up, require to push really hard in
this sem with all those real "rojak" subjects, my next stop might
real is hell…zzz…anyway this doesn’t mean i can take it easy this sem as in
hey I’m in my fifth sem already, another sem to go I’ll be graduate..wow what
can i said,time move fast…alright i not gonna talk much regarding this
topic,cause frankly speaking i not in the study mood now, you will got to know
the reason later which i will talk bout it..for the time being, lets move on mel!
alright second good news, well actually is not really have to do with me but
anyway it is something to be happy about…last Sunday, my aka roommate, close
friend, house mate, x-schoolmate, college mate……etc brother get
marriage!yea..her brother not her..that why i said is not something that really
have to do with me..you have no idea how i hope is her marriage…=p..anyway it
just a lame joke…lol…got to help up in the wedding, in turn got to eat free
in wedding dinner..(the best part..lol)…get angpau..the most get my hand busy
with something, something different out of assignments, college stuffs…a
new experience for me…the fact that able to walk to the isle of marriage
from a pair of fine couple..is not easy…being one of them, being in a
relationship require a huge amount of patient and understanding so as
great communication…the connection that link two total stranger to a pair of
lovely couple is way too fragile…as fragile as the glass shoes that wore by
Cinderella, and that’s make it sweet and precious..

From that i put an end for the sweet part, here comes the bitter points..

How shall I start? Let see..hmm..is always toughest to spill bitter water for
me, a manner that i yet unable to change, a manner that causes me to loose something
that really precious to me…let not talk about it first..alright i think i
will start with the bad news from one of my friend..last weekend, her world was
totally Grey…she lost her mom. her mom get admitted of having cancer, when
they discover it, it was a bit too late…final stage…thought out the funeral,
she tent to be very strong in appearance, hardly see any emotional motion on
her, but we all know that is Teng, pain in the inside..never show on the
surface…cheer up my friend, you have long way to go, your mom will be your
guardian angel…

The next thing,
frankly speaking I really don’t know how to put it in writing, I mean it…is
about the new path, is about the “special friend”…well to make things short
(actually is I don’t know how to write), I lost him…the feeling? Pain…yet I
got the feeling he won’t go just like that, it is a strange feeling that ever
happen on me. I know it sound a bit “what ware you thinking?!” and a bit over
confident, but it just there…
To be true I
really miss him a lot, but I know I cant do anything now, is better still to
keep quite but again the “what were you thinking?!” thought appear, I
think he do miss me too…I know how it sound, those out there might feel like slapping me, sent me “
you bi**h!!”, cause I might as well will do the same If I ever see some post
like this…but the fact that some sort of karma that point me to generate the feeling to write
this out, perhaps just being myself…I don’t know…
Anyway, after almost 2 week the incident happened, he did come back look
for me yesterday…together with his big warm hug…although I still don’t know
what is that suppose to mean, properly is nothing, but that particular moment,
one word to describe…sweet…

This whole tension period finally give me some space to retake my
breath..

it sound weird and kind of insult where lately, well is actually just moment ago where i look back on my previous post in my blog…hell where saw back a few post that i mention how i like to blog then realise that it had been month away from where my previous blog posted!

i know is all  my bad..but i can’t help it..reasons?yup reason with the "s" behind..first i’m a little bit lazy lately..haha..what can i said human nature..who doesnt lazy by the way =P.second, tons of assignments as usual..but this sem as in my final long sem, basically what i learn is a little of everything..make it easier is like the variety of fishes you get to see in wet market..too variety it seem you dont know which to buy…well for the last reason, like i mention in previous post, my life move on into another path, life rountine have change in sudden..anyway for now on, the 3 reason no longer become a factor as everything has comes back to normal…

yup..as normal as it can be…with all the assignments and events to buried myself in..make myself become extremely buzy so that i wont think of others stuff..that my life..of cause once again, my blog would be my only and the greatest listener..

older people said fade and destiny..that makes your life..well that the old people talk..i tent to believe it too once out of million choices perhap sometime fade does play it magic..other then that i will stick to i create my own life..i choose what i want it to be part of me….

frankly speaking, i as part of human species does share what a human have..selfish, humanity,emotion…etc but what i really dont have is regrat…i never regrat on what i done…that is because i always know what i want and take my step nice and carrefully..

knowing you is always my pleasure..but what i dont understand is you always keep yourself a part…i know the situation..that is nothing i ask from you, i dont even dare to hope anything…i tried very hard and try to catch your step..but the more i come to close to you the more you keep away, i feel sick and mad, i wish i could be a better mind reader, but the fact is i’m not

what is playing in your mind?i can’t read yours can you read mine?

not touching my blog for a period of time..previous was busy with the exam..now where i am having my sem break(well..actually is already end, started the very first week itself already, i actually giving myself extra holiday..lol) i am busy looking for bare cash..when there is free time i would be hanging out with my old pells and gaming..that my recent life..basically is get up in the morning,work,gaming and finally sleep..dull but fun in a way but off cause not now, cause now i’m dying to hope that RAYA come faster cause i don’t want to stuck with job anymore..i miss my collage life and of cause my "special friend"(you know who you are)!!

last sem was my high tide so as my low….get to join n took part in a lot of college activities, learn tons of new stuff..jut like what i hoped my collage life to be..fantastic!

beside get to know alot more new faces in college, of cause got to know my "special friend" as well…which made my life very different in a way..

like i had said above..previous sem was where i have my high tide so do low tide..when i was stuck in the low tide..i really feel like shit..is like everything is coming again you in a same direction, together..that waht i feel..

anyway because of the low tide, i got to meet my high tide..where i joined tons of activities to make myself active, know a lot of new faces to sort of keep my hands busy so do my brain from stucking woth the same old problem..in a way i do need to thanks to that low tide that pull me in into the hight tide..perhaps that what people called life…everything is related to each other,just like a circle..

so, here comes my 5 sem in this college, 1 more sem to go i wil be a diploma holder.wow..that was fast!the matter of fact, it remains me where i was just about to enter my college life, properly i dig a hole in my head to let extra oxsigen entered my head,i wouldn’t have imagine what i’m having now as my lifestyle..what can i said?perhaps this is what people called..life..

life is funny you know..if only you know how 2 enjoy it..yea in another way round..life can be cruel too..cause you were way to fear to face it just because, you in a way know the ending.
lately get attached with pool..yea way addicted..till the stage where i almost have games everyday for the seek of indulge myself with this what i so called " pool addiction".
hmm..any idea what is pool? for those have no idea what is pool about well i do suggest you to google first cause it would be no point for you to further up this post..hell you might properly dont even understand what am i up to!so apen a new tab and start google now!!
alright should be wondering what the grave life have to do with pool..hmm..well till you play pool like a geek,something like me you will know why it has to do with life!
ok,stop crabbing mel , show me what you got in you entrance so called "a game of pool"
here is goes, he most basic rules in pool is basically pock all the balls, well not all the balls you choose to enter then finally entered the eight ball and you consider winner…alright the ending is either you win or loose and basically in my case i dont even need to consider cause i always loose..imagine that playing a game that you know you will only loose..how’s that sound?
what i’m trying to link here is life sometime is like that too.you know the ending before it started, yet you were so in it,unable to let go just like that in the meantime you actually fear for the ending, praying hard so that the day wont come, if that is possible or just hope it would come that fast..
when i play pool i tend to take my own sweet time..in the sense of aiming at the ball that i choose to hit not choosing which ball to hit..what makes pool so interesting is every single match will never be the same, in order to shot in, a good hand of skill and a little bit of luck will be the correct bullet..you will never know what kind of balls is waiting for you and how am you suppose to knock in…if you lucky enough you might pock in a feel..well is the matter of how any you leave behind in this game that the most important..lucky you might away fr one, well most you be 3 4 balls behind.
when certain thing hock into your life yet you know how it going to end, try to cross it like what you did in pool cause you might cant change the ending but you can crate memories, good memory that you do most never had..you might cant win the game, but how you play the game was the most challenging and most fun..so dont be afraid to try, for the seek of the life meaning or maybe just a game of pool.

a line utter by a friend, " you know you can be sometime very annoying thanks to your ego." hmm..yup my ego, the ego that carry me to the top of the world and the bottom of the hell.

i know myself the best..my ego been always causing me a lot problem, simply because i just too afraid to admit and loose…simple and clear yet i aint have a clue with it..

like a child i’m too stubborn to listen, too act in to be strong, i believe where slowly grown my ego till it blossom like what you have seen today..ego never form itself but you make it become one..

therefore, you make the ego then you have to cure yourself…

to those out there that happened share the same ego problem like me, my advise, cure it before it is too late..

i’m not here to brain wash everyone nor to boost around bout my egoness, in fact i just dont want somebody to be end up like me..

ego can be the best weapon when it comes to cut off human relationship, dont till your love one tell you about your ego then you started to pay attention on it..as it is just too late…

the best would be prevent building it, but it you have it with you then just stop constructing it!